Lessons in finding love
published in the Daily Express, August 2008
Have you given up on romance? Love coach Srimati reassures MELANIE WHITEHOUSE that she can conjure up the perfect partner.
Srimati and I are in the summerhouse of her pretty Devon garden. Incense is burning and I am concentrating on the colours in my heart. I see red and purple, then blue and green but it isn’t significant. This is an exercise to focus my mind on my heart, an area of neglect in recent years.
Srimati suggests I drop a pebble into an imaginary pool and ask myself what I need in my life. The answers “love and security” come loud and clear – not surprising, really, given that I’m single and can’t find the former, and have recently lost all my regular work. Then I drop another pebble and ask to be shown something that will help me find a life partner. Nothing comes to me – but then this is the problem. I don’t know why I can’t find a man to spend my life with and that’s why I’m here.
Prior to our session I have done my prep, writing down details of my past life and loves, and Srimati has “marked” it, so she knows my dilemma. A former Buddhist minister, she trained as a psychologist in Scotland and then worked as a business development consultant for many years. Aged 37 and a single mum, she moved to Totnes from London seven years ago to give her son Jamie, now 14, a better life in the country.
“My new friends in Devon told me that the town was full of single women but hardly any single men, and that if I wanted a partner I’d come to the wrong place,” she explains.
So Srimati – her Buddhist name for so long that she hasn’t changed it – looked at her emotional life, talking to friends and family and meditating. She then wrote down, in detail, what she was looking for in her ideal partner.
“Somehow, having committed my vision to paper, the person began to take on a tangible existence,” she says. “It was as though I’d begun to create a reality.”
Suddenly she found she was tripping over men – one of whom was hypnotherapist Pat Edgecombe, 56, the man she later married and now works with. She also studied to become a life coach and set up her “Get Ready for Love” workshops last year after realising that relationships were a high priority for most of her clients.
“Lots of people have tried the obvious ways to meet someone but have never done the inner work on themself,” she says. “My workshops give people the chance to focus on that. People are so busy, time goes by and you do nothing about it.”
I am a case in point, having spent much of the past few years concentrating on working to make ends meet. “For various reasons we don’t let ourselves dare to dream,” says Srimati, 44. “We can’t believe it’s possible, we think the kind of man we want doesn’t exist or we’re not good enough – or even that we’re too good! We develop these views of the world for valid reasons but now I want you to allow yourself to connect with what you’d love to have if anything was possible.
“This is your magic wand time! I want you to look at the kind of relationship that would be absolutely fantastic in your life. This visioning is a device to see what it is we really aspire to, to free up your heart and your longing. It can show you where you’ve failed or have been hurt. Then we can melt away the fears and finally work out how to get what we want by being practical and strategic.
“I did this myself before I even knew what I was doing – and then I met Pat. It reveals your dream. Once we can accept what we want, we begin to have the power to move towards it and choose a life instead of being driven by unconscious tendencies. Real freedom is the power to choose something that harmonises with the best of us.”
I tell Srimati the qualities I’d like my ideal man to possess: humour, kindness, a sense of fun and adventure. Someone at the same stage as me in life, who enjoys beautiful things, has a spiritual side and understands himself, and is single, solvent and independent. Someone who will inspire in me passion and love, trust and respect and return it in equal measures.
“It’s about knowing the things that are important to us and giving ourselves permission to be ourselves,” she explains. “That includes wanting to find a person who matches those qualities and reflects our values. Once we’ve completed this exercise, it’s almost like we’ve created him and he starts to exist in another dimension.
“We can get stuck on a circuit or we can elevate ourselves to another dimension. We gather evidence that reinforces our beliefs so if we think men are rare, for instance, we develop selective attention and fail to see the men that are around. That’s why it’s important to work on these unconscious habits, and get more positive beliefs about ourselves and what we want.”
Then we use EFT (the Emotional Freedom Technique) or tapping, as it’s more commonly known. Apparently by tapping on the energy points around our head, hands and upper body while concentrating on our fears and failures, we can help our mind let go of the blocks.
“It’s like a massage - it releases emotional and physical tension,” says Srimati.
Although I am not convinced, I unexpectedly find tears in my eyes. She says my pain is caused by the fact I feel I’ve tried everything and have given up on finding a man because I can’t believe anything can possibly change. She is right - but at the end of the session I am surprised to find I feel much clearer, calmer and happier.
“Now you need to find time to focus on yourself,” she advises, giving me a series of exercises to do at home. “Most of us find it very difficult to do that in our culture but there is a huge pay-off from making quality time for yourself. Just set aside a few hours a week and make them sacrosanct, like you would if it were an evening class. This is a course on you-ness from which everything else will come.”
Get ready for love
1. Decide to spend time, energy and money on this important area of your life. Buy a notebook and write down your love history with dates and significant loving relationships, then look for repeating patterns you want to leave behind.
2. Make a list of what's important to you in a romantic relationship, then list how your needs are met or not met now.
3. This is your magic wand time. If everything and anything were possible, what kind of relationship would you absolutely love? Write it down, in positive language. Cover every aspect in detail, like writing a job description.
4. Look at what's holding you back. Finish this sentence: “The problem with finding the right partner is ...” Repeat many times, finishing the sentence to reveal all your fears and doubts.
5. Set the obstacles aside. Take every objection you've just come up with and write a positive sentence pretending the exact opposite is true. For example: “The problem with finding the right partner …” sentence becomes, “It's easy to find the right partner because the right man for me is out there”. Trying on a new attitude is like trying on new clothes: you start to feel different.
6. Write down 50 reasons why you would make a great partner - all those things you take for granted about yourself. Fall in love with yourself a bit.
7. Hold a practical brainstorm. Make a list of what you need to help prepare yourself for meeting the right partner. Do you need to attend a course, buy a book or join a dating agency?
8. Write up your plan. Translate your ideas into action by planning exactly what you will do and when you will do it.
9. Every morning, imagine meeting your ideal partner when you first realise you are meant for each other. Imagine it vividly and feel the good feelings.
10. Follow it with this daily affirmation: Say out loud three times: “I am so happy I've now met my perfect match”. Do it every day and see what strange magic starts to happen. Be receptive to new opportunities and people who come your way.
Srimati’s next “Get Ready for Love” workshop is on 4 and 5 October in Totnes, Devon. Express readers can do the workshop for the special price of £199 (instead of £245). She is also offering a three-month, personally tailored, one-to-one love coaching package of £495 (instead of £595), which can be conducted face to face, and/or by phone.