Meeting my Match
Published in Connect Magazine Dec 2003
A Life Coach’s Own Story
Thrivecraft’s Srimati shares her insights into finding the right partner.
Totnes is full of single mothers and hardly any single men’, I was adamantly informed by my new friends in Devon ‘I hope you’re not expecting to find a partner down here!’ But I wasn’t moving to Totnes to find a partner. After seventeen years living in a Buddhist Community in London it was time to move on, and I had a seven year old son who deserved a more gentle upbringing than a city could afford. Despite the good reasons, however, there was also an element of strange magnetism I couldn’t put my finger on. In many ways I was leaving a good situation and jumping into the unknown, but there was a compelling force drawing me on, and I had a daring, inexplicable knowledge that this was absolutely the right move.
At thirty seven, I was a free agent for the first time in thirteen years. I’d split amicably from my son’s dad two years before, but had then been tossed about in a tulmultous relationship which ended only days before moving to Devon. I was busy and thrilled by my new friends and experiences in this beautiful part of the world, but by night I was lonely and reeling from all the changes. Sometimes my feelings of grief and disorientation were almost unbearable. It would have been so comforting to have some arms around me. A part of me reached out half heartedly for a liaison. For a while I played at computer dating, but the few people I met soon dissolved the cosy illusions I distracted myself with. There were also a couple of ‘real’ single men I connected with, but I wasn’t ready for a relationship, and nothing got off the ground.
The greater part of me knew I had some healing to do. I did what practically always needs to be done when recovering from previous relationships and preparing for new - I completed the unfinished emotional business. As a meditator I already had an invaluable tool at my disposal. Meditation brings about awareness and positivity and helps us squarely face any challenge in life. It undoubtedly boosted the inner resources I needed to navigate these stormy waters. So did my practise of five rythmns dance, itself a kind of movement meditation. At classes and in the privacy of my own home, this exhilerating form of free expression accessed and gave full voice to the stories and emotions stored in my body. No stone was unturned, and as it all became more conscious, I became clearer, free-er and more whole.
I also had some outer resources at my disposal. I didn’t have a Counsellor or a Life Coach at the time (I didn’t even know Life Coaching existed back then) but I am blessed with insightful friends and family who helped me talk the whole thing through. I don’t know what I would have done without my wonderful sister Katy rooting for me and reminding me of where I’d come from and where I was going. Recently moved to Devon herself having gone through her own stormy waters, I’m sure she’ll make a gifted Life Coach herself before long.
In my more peaceful state, and inspired by Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s book, ‘The Invitation’, I did some reflective writing. In a deep, prayerful way, I wrote about my ideal partner. I didn’t compromise on what I was looking for in a partner and was moved by the quality of being I was describing in those two dozen short paragraphs. Somehow, having committed my vision to paper, the person began to take on a tangible existence. It was as though I had begun to create a reality, or at least, call a reality towards me.
Having read widely about metaphysical principles since then, I know that this is exactly what I was doing. As my old Buddhist teacher used to say, ‘It’s not so much that man wills, but that will man’s’. In other words our will manifests into form not the other way around. We become what we wish for, creating our future reality from our thoughts and feelings and expectations. Now, in my work as a Life Coach, writing about ideals is an exercise that my clients use with unremmittingly powerful results. But back then, I somewhat innocently placed my writings on my shrine and got on with my life. Little did I know that I’d planted a seed that would shortly bloom into meeting my future husband.
But I wasn’t quite ready yet. I still had some letting go to do. It wasn’t until the following Spring that I finally cut the ties from the past and said an uncompromising ‘no more’ to my previous lover from London. I also decided to stop distracting myself with half baked attempts at new involvements and finished with the person I’d been seeing for a few weeks. Only then was I finally prepared to be alone. How often do we really let ourselves dwell in this empty space? And yet it is so precious, so fertile. In my case, it laid the ground in which a seed could grow. All that was needed now was to tackle a boulder that still lay buried beneath the surface.
And so it was timely to have my first ever session of Holographic Repatterning with my talented friend Christina. The session revealled to me that I held the unconsious belief that ‘I could never find a partner who could meet me on all levels’. Common to my work now as a Life Coach, Christina assists people to free themselves from limiting beliefs so they can become more truly themselves. Using a comprehensive combination of techniques, Chrisina skillfully worked with me to release this belief. The session was powerfully transforming. Three days later I met the man who was to become my life partner, someone abundantly capable of meeting me on all levels.
As I got to know Pat, I learned that he too was well prepared for the arrival of what he called a ‘divine relationship’ in his life. A long time meditator like me, Pat had worked through the issues raised by previous relationships. With a particular emphasis on forgiveness, he was unusually clear of the sort of relationship back-log that we often carry into future relationships. If we are not aware of this we can confuse our current relationship by referring back to ghosts instead of the person in front of us now.
As well as addressing the past, Pat had also consciously addressed his desired future. He practised a manifestation meditation to call his vision of a divine relationship into being. This is an ancient practise that brings together the power of the chakras, the voice, and creative visualisation, and is something we teach at workshops and classes today.
Most importantly of all, perhaps, Pat genuinely cultivated an attitude that we refer to at Thrivecraft as ‘100% intention / 100% surrender’. Although he was very clear about the partner he sought and would not compromise with less, he was also genuinely prepared for it not to happen and to remain happily single. He was practising the fine and paradoxical art of being open to aspirations and creative possibilities while at the same time being fluid and non-attached to expectations.
Often we don’t let ourselves aspire by assuming we won’t suceed (‘Can’t Have’), or corrupt our aspirations into egotistical ambitions by having too much self worth at stake if they flounder (‘Must Have’). Either way, it betrays a lack of self knowledge and self belief. When we see ourselves clearly and believe in ourselves, we don’t need to push things away or grab things towards us to shore up a hollow sense of ourselves. We can allow things to be what they are, free from what we have invested in them. In this freedom we can experience the natural flow of coming and going, and somewhat magically, all our true needs are satisfied (‘Having-ness’). And so Pat was ready to meet his ideal partner, and finally, so was I. Suddenly, in the middle of all the hurly burly and emotional intensity of my new life, there he was. I went out to meet with him for the first time. In the middle of all the lively discussion with friends, we found each other’s gaze. In that moment, we truly saw one another. It was as though a lightening flash had struck and lit up the entire vast landscape of who we were. The moment returned to darkness, but the flash of what we saw was not forgotten. In essence what we saw was love, trust and recognition. It took me a week or two to let in the truth of that initial intuitive flash, but from then on it was a simple and inevitable thing that we would be together and love each other. Eighteen months later, we were married at a beautiful, self-created river ceremony. The creation and signifcance of this powerful occasion is a whole story in itself to be told in the next edition of Connect.
One day last year, I came across the description of the ideal partner I wrote all that time ago. As Pat and I re-read it together, I was filled with a strange, joyful realisation. The man who those words described was now nuzzling my neck, sharing my life and my deepest aspirations. It’s amazing what we can magnetise into our lives with clear intention and positivity. Now I understand a little more about those compelling forces that brought me to Devon.
Since they met, Pat and Srimati are fulfilling another of their mutual aspirations together, the creation of their Life, Business and Spiritual Coaching Practise, Thrivecraft. They provide a range of services including one-to-one coaching, courses, workshops, meditation, alternative ceremonies and retreats for individuals, couples, groups and organisations. Exploring and teaching the craft of thriving relationships remains one of their passionate favourites. For more information or to arrange a free exploratory session to assess your needs, ring 01803 812904.